Our little guy zonked out with Emmy the Cat.

Okay, I’m not 100% in love with your tone right now.

Barry goes ya-ya. Look at the clowns in the opposing dugout!

Barry Zito makes his debut in US WEEKLY. We’re all so proud!

It’s one thing to get swept by the hated rivals from NorCal, but to get broomed while Mr. Chubs heckles all that is Dodgers has got to hurt.  From my view, it looked tremendous.

Aside from our chubby buddy in the second row, the Giants made a statement themselves by sustaining their win streak (currently at and vaulting themselves to the top of the National League Western Division.

Before tonight, they only hit .239 as a team.  Pitching, however, has gotten them out of their 1-6 dismal beginning to ’07 as their starters have gone at least 5 innings in every start and Armando Benitez has miraculously posted 7 saves in 7 chances.  Even though Benitez’s WHIP is far from cool (1.44 but falling in his last two appearances), the big guy with a pajama uniform has *cough, cough, gasp* done his job.  (Weird.)  The setup men have also shone since their implosion in Colorado 9 games ago.

What the deuce is going on here?  I guess I shouldn’t ask but, rather, enjoy.

After my postings regarding the Dodgers hottest fan, Alyssa Milano, LA folks were quick to remind me that the Giants don’t have any hottie fans.  True, but our corpulent comrade in the second row can eat your Dodger hotties like a bucket of McNuggets.  Speaking of eating, I’m still waiting for Alyssa to get back to me regarding the dinner she owes me.

Now, the first place Giants head to the desert to face the Diamondbacks — a team with no real identity and 50 different uniforms (and all bad).

Days Without Milano’s Acknowledgment of Dinner at The Ivy: 2

Now I’m not kidding.  Feel free to give me suggestions as to what I should order at the Ivy.  Thanks to Barry Bonds and fantastic late inning pitching, my meal is on Alyssa Milano.  Giggity goo!

I started looking at the menu after Bonds put one into orbit in the first inning to give the Giants a 4-0 lead.  Those LA fans who were all set to arrive in the third inning probably turned around and drove home to watch the sunset (instead of a great game between two NL West rivals).  I lost my appetite, though, after Noah Lowry wobbled through 4 innings and allowed the Dodgers to tie the game at 4 runs apiece. 

Alyssa must have been licking her chops.

And Randy Wolf’s curveball just got filthier by the second and Grady Little couldn’t pull him soon enough!  The thought of an ex-Philly and his Tommy-John-surgically-repaired-arm depriving me of the wine list was enough to make me almost silently weep.  No clinking glasses, no declaring that I am the boss.

Thankfully, Lowry found his curve, the setup men kept the Dodger faithful silent and Armando (yes, Armando) sat the Dodgers down in order for a perfect ninth.  I couldn’t help but think about dessert and getting through the paparazzi who will undoubtedly be waiting for Alyssa and me as we depart our evening supper on a lazy summer evening.

Jeeze, that means I’ll need a slick outfit so I’ll look great when we’re splashed all over the pages of OK! and US WEEKLY!

Once Milano gets a load of these posts, though, I’ll probably have to contend with a restraining order instead of selcting culinary delights and high fashion.  Before her legal team tries to thwart our Hollywood hof brau, this Giants fan is going to sit back and savor what the team has served for 7 consecutive games:  wins.

First, she refused my request to call Barry Zito and say things that any man in a slump needs to hear.  Secondly, she’s a Dodgers fan.  Thirdly, she NEVER would have dated me when I was single.

She’s hot, she’s "Charmed" and she’s a *******’ Dodgers Fan… and this Giants fan is ready to take her on (or just get her attention so he can tell his friends, ‘Hey, Alyssa Milano talked to me AGAIN today’).  Hence, we’re totally in a fight. 

Now our teams are locked in battle in an NL West showdown down in the land of men who take 140 minutes to do their hair.  With Luis Gonzalez dribbling into a 4-6-3 double play in the 8th, those same guys are leaving to go home and put some more wax in their faux hawks.

It’s too bad because Armando Benitez always manages to do his best to help anyone other than the Giants win.  Tonight is no exception, either, thanks to two hits and closing the game by baaaaarrrrrely getting out Rafael Furcal in a footrace to first base.

But it’s 1-0 in favor of the Good Guys.  (I love calling a team with Barry Bonds "Good Guys"!  It drives everyone nuts!)

It’s 1-0, in favor of Keith.  Loser buys the winner dinner at The Ivy.  My wife is TOTALLY cool with that.

Your team just got paddled like you did by Marky Mark Whalberg in "Fear"!  How does that feel?  You like that!?  Hit me with your best shot, Alyssa!

I now know how the Los Angeles Lakers, Portland Trailblazers, Phoenix Suns and Utah Jazz felt the second they took the court and saw the guy with #23 on his Bulls uniform.

Doomed. 

At the same time, I painfully rejoiced over what it feels like to be a Giants fan and that’s living with the guarantee of a late inning collapse.

Matt Cain did his part to prevent the inevitable with a 7-inning, 2-hit shutout performance, but the bullpen did a lovely job of not finding the strike zone and generally looking miserable.  (To think that Armando Benitez had no part in this chokejob is almost unimaginable!)

Giants fans can thank Vinnie Chulk, Jonathan Sanchez and Kevin Correia for gagging this one.  Thank you, guys.  You’re peaches.

It would be easy to deflect my anger by ripping apart the Colorado Rockies.  I could call them a joke franchise or say that their park is for mouthbreather fans (or the 4000 or so mouthbreathing fans who decide to show up) and I won’t even get into the Christmas trees in the bullpen.  I’m above that.  There is no need to divert my anger by pointing out that the Rockies have lame purple jerseys. 

The Giants get and deserve the full brunt of my wrath (but if you read what I write enough, you already knew that).  The second I saw Matt Cain sitting on the bench in the 7th inning getting pats on the back with a three run lead was enough to make me groan and squirm.  The anger already began to brew and here’s why:

1. 3 runs is never enough in Coors Field because the park blows.
2. 3 runs is never enough in Coors Field when you are a member of the San Francisco Giants bullpen.
3. 789529870262498 runs is never enough in Coors Field when Armando Benitez is the San Francisco Giants’ closer.

Admittedly, the bullpen alone didn’t entirely blow the game.  They did have Pedro Feliz yet again making a case for my pregnant wife to take his place in the line-up.  (Brian Sabean?  Can you read this?  HOW ABOUT THIS?  IS THIS BETTER?  IT IS?  GOOD.  READ THIS:  PEDRO FELIZ STINKS.)  Even Feliz, though, didn’t manage to allow a homerun to Steve Finley and walk two batters.  Man, the walks.

When the game was ultimately blown, I was incensed for sure, but the relative calmness that enveloped me was the feeling of doom.  Doom is now a comfort as a Giants fan because it’s a known feeling that has made a metamorphosis into a safe feeling.  Doom is my knitted blanket that keeps me warm while watching the Giants throw another season down the toilet.

Now bring on the Cardinals!

-Pedro Feliz’s every movement, breath, fart or whatever brings A-Rod an inch closer to San Francisco in 2008. 

-Zito wasn’t awful, but walking Jose Cruz, Jr.!?  Anyone but that guy!

-Giants fans, stop booing when Barry Bonds gets walked.  To those listeners calling KNBR and saying what a beautiful day it was regardless of the game’s outcome, stifle it.  You sound like the people East Coast fans say we are.  Knock it off.

-Randy Winn = Bust.

-I am more of #5 hitter than Rich Aurilia.

-The pregame show MC’d by a tuxedo’d Jon Miller was the best production Giants management has staged in my nearly 35 years of existence.  Sadly, they know how to produce a good song-and-dance act rather than a championship team.  Maybe Magowan should just run "Avenue Q" at A.T.&T. Park nightly and forget baseball.

-Renel Brooks-Moon isn’t Bob Sheppard.  It’s great that San Francisco is a progressive city but the voice of a baseball game shouldn’t be shrill.  The PA announcer experiment is over.

-Jeffrey Leonard is the only guy who can take the field at an old timers event with his hat on backwards and pull it off.

-I am still surprised to see Mike Cameron’s head in one piece.

-Will Clark has gotten to know Krispy Kremes very well during retirement.

-I’m thrilled that Bonds stole a base.  I’m even more thrilled to see him not attempt a slide at the plate.

-Mayor Gavin Newsom stayed from the first pitch to the last, perhaps thinking that chicks dig the long ball and civics.

-Try watching Barry Zito pitch while sitting next to an A’s fan.  If you haven’t set yourself on fire within 2/3rds of an inning, consider buying a lottery ticket.  An A’s fan is the dumped-girlfriend-trying-to-put-on-a-brave-face (and failing) in the Bay Area.

-Lance Niekro is like the last season of "Family Ties" with all the retrospective episodes:  He grabs a bat.  He strikes out.  Press repeat.

-Armando Benitez gets to sleep tonight knowing that, for one day, the other relievers ****** more than he does.

-From Yankee Fan Ken:  "Zito relies too much on his curve.  If it’s not working he is average.  It’s not working today."  Is there anything more infuriating than a Yankee fan who’s right?

-There’s only 161 more to go and they’d better turn it around, like, now.

April 1 — I couldn’t care less what this post does for my journalistic integrity because there’s far more at stake with these predictions for the 2007 Major League Baseball season.

If my picks come closer to fruition than my buddy Ken’s, then it’s a free no-holds-barred, 5-star dinner in Las Vegas sometime in January 2008  Even better, it’s relentless smack-talk at Ken’s expense in front of our other friends and making the whole experience like a new inmate’s first night in Shawshank.

If I lose, then I might as well come to dinner wearing nothing but powdered lye and carrying a bible provided by the warden because it will be hard time served in the southern Nevada desert.

Prediction?  Pain.

The American League Eastern Division Champions:  The New York Yankees.  Alex Rodriguez earns the right to be called A-Rod this year.
The American League Central Division Champions:  The Minnesota Twins.  Pesky and good.
The American League Western Division Champions:  The Anaheim Angels.  However, no one would be happier than me to watch these guys suffer season-long incontinence.  I’ll never forget 2002, nor should any San Francisco Giants fan.
The American League Wild Card:  The Boston Red Sox.  They’re still hung-over from 2004 but they’ll do damage.
The National League Eastern Division Champions:  The New York Mets.  Meet them and greet them (but watch them fall just short in October).
The National League Central Division Champions:  The St. Louis Cardinals.  Tony, put the Korbel down, wake up and realize that you have enough money from your contract AND last year’s World Series share to hire a driver.  Idiot!
The National League Western Division Champions:  The Los Angeles Dodgers.  Heave.  Gag.  Barf.  Vomit.  Any one else sick of Jeff Kent’s smug mug?
The National League Wild Card:  The San Francisco Giants.  They’re just dysfunctional enough to stave off Philly!  Sadly, you won’t call the Giants 2007 World Series Champions.

Now, it gets good.  (# of Games it takes to win the series is positioned to the right of predicted winner.)

A.L.C.S.:  New York Yankees (5) vs. Boston Red Sox.  A-Rod makes Jeter jealous for a fleeting second.
N.L.C.S.:  New York Mets vs. Los Angeles Dodgers (6).  Ugh, pull my throat out and stab my eyes already!!!!
2007 World Series:  Los Angeles Dodgers vs. New York Yankees (6).  Unfortunately these teams can’t emulate the endings of "Reservoir Dogs" or "The Departed" and off each other.  Sadly, one team has to win and the Evil Empire it is.

And now the awards that people care about (especially when their teams have been pummeled and they need to hang their hat on something):

American League Cy Young Award Winner:  Johan Santana.  He’s good.
National League Cy Young Award Winner:  Barry Zito.  Honest to God.
American League Batting Champion:  Derek Jeter.  Does anything more need to be said about him?
National League Batting Champion:  Miguel Cabrera.  He wants money.
American League Home Run King:  Alex Rodriguez.  I swear this guy shows he’s for real this year.
National League Home Run King:  Barry Bonds.  Just kidding.  Alfonso Soriano. 
American League Rookie-of-the-Year:  Daisuke Matsuzaka, RHP Boston Red Sox.  Hickory dickory dock, the Dice Man cometh.
National League Rookie-of-the-Year:  Chris Young, CF Arizona Diamondbacks.  Why not?

Ken, I take my prime rib medium rare.  Bring it.